
Managing Dental Drama
Owning, operating, and managing a dental practice can be difficult and sometimes wrought with drama. Meet Dr. Kuba, a private practice owner, and Bethany, a dental consultant, who take real-life examples and talk through issues in an open, honest, and sometimes hilarious manner. Topics are relevant to current dental and employment trends and range from “The Art of Retaining Good Employees” to “The Marriage of Dentistry and Insurance Ending in Divorce” and everything in between. Each episode provides dental leaders with various tips and tricks as well as common mistakes to avoid. Enjoy the unscripted conversation between Dr. Kuba, Bethany, and various dental practice owners!
Managing Dental Drama
When to Shut Up
In deep reflection, Dr. Kuba and Bethany realized that most of the Managing Dental Drama episodes center around what to say and how to say it. However, they realized that there is also a time and a place to be quiet. In this episode, they dedicate an entire episode to the important topic of “When to Shut Up.” Together, they discuss several examples of when it is better to stay quiet than to speak. Here’s to hoping that this episode leaves you speechless!
Previous Episodes Worth Revisiting:
An Interview with Bethany’s Dad – Dr. Jones
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are you looking for a podcast where you can hear from real people regarding their real Dental drama if so then
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you've come to the right place join hosts Bethany Penny and Dr Reena Kuba as
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we dive into the solutions we've created and the mistakes we've made while
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managing Dental drama let's get started howdy howdy hi
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hey what's up um not much so I've cut kind of a
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uh I don't think you're going to expect what I'm about to say here okay um which I like keeping you on your toes every
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now and then I feel like like everything you say like shocks me so good good okay
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I like it uh you never know what's going to come out of my mouth um which is funny preface to what I'm about to say
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here okay um so we're always I'm always talking about you know how can we impart
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wisdom to our teams how can you impart wisdom to me how can I you know add to
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the repertoire of my associate and the dental student right like so that's like
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we're always trying to share wisdom and and help people come up because somebody
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helped us come up right and so my my my uh topic for today
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uhuh um how how do we know when to shut
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up like I had had a moment today that it had nothing to do with Dentistry but it
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was with my dad who I love dearly and he is one of the sweetest cutest most
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Charming people like people who meet him are just like he's just adorable and he is um but we can butt
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heads and I think for him he's like uh my stupid middle child again is just going crazy and not following like
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traditional Indian like you know method ologies of like yes Father no father
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you're right father right like I'm always the one like my older sister follows that to a tea and then I've
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always been like yeah I don't know man like that that doesn't really make sense to me and he's like um but we we we have
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a great relationship whatever but today was not a great relationship day and he and I were at odds about something and I
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was like well let me explain why I think this blah blah blah blah and I you know
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I go off and rattle off what I'm thinking and stupid me like you know we
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we I know him and why did I bother because I was waiting for this moment of
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like ah I see and he did not see at all and he was
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like well that's just wrong thinking and I was like it's not like he slapped me in the face but it's almost like I kind
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of whipped back was like w and and I was mad at myself for going why did you
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think you would change the mind of this 91-year-old man like what were you thinking you are the idiot here like
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what why didn't you just shut up like clearly he was not ever going to see it
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from your Viewpoint and now I'm frustrated and now I frustrated him like I could see the irritation all over his
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face and he's usually just such a happy face right you could tell like the Grimace on his face and I'm just like
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and of course it all happened like right as I was about to leave their house so now I'm like okay now I've like left this stinky fart like floating in the
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air by you know like I've trapped him in the car with it like peace I'm out right
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and so I just was like why did I do that why cannot not just learn to shut up and
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so I knew I would be meeting with you later and so I'm like you know what that I'm sure for all the things we talk
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about like we should talk about this and we should talk about our compensation reviews and we should talk talk about
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feedback and so I'm going to challenge you with the opposite when do we need to shut the f up that's a good one that's a
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good one we don't talk about staying quiet or biting your tongue or we really
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don't but it is exceedingly valuable to think about
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that so I have a few things that are already popping up in my mind okay okay well I thought I was going to stump you
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here for a minute but I got I got I thought I was going to have you shutting up for a minute without advice maybe we
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should just end the podcast with silence the next 30 minutes of just is the next digest going to be
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blank what at least have the title page when to shut up yes all blank yes there
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you go now now isut says dot dot dot we don't know cuz she finally decided to
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shut up um but no seriously like there's there's a time in place to hold it in
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and why I thought I was going to change this man's mind um and then like even as
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I'm thinking about I'm like yeah there are multiple times with patience that you know you're like sitting there trying to go but but you need to sign on
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for this because blah blah blah I'm like maybe there are times I'm like I should just shut up and let the patient sit in
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that uncomfortable silence and wallow in why they think it's a good idea not to
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fix the absess tooth you know what I mean um so I I think that's what I wanted to talk about today is because we're always
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talking about what to say and I think I want to highlight the value of maybe not saying anything
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and just shutting up yep yep so I can think of two things right off the top of my head that have actually come up this
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week that I think are relevant to this one is a
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employee that was receiving some very difficult harsh feedback uh to the from
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well technically from me but on behalf of the practice owner just
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performance issues that were reaching a point she'd been talked to on multiple
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different occasions and it was reaching the point of like shape up or year out
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type conversation and in that conversation
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there was a lot it was wouldn't call it rebuttal I would call it explanations
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for questions to clarify like um that is a moment to me when to shut
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up when you're receiving harsh feedback or even feedback in
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general I think close your mouth and open your ears to listen and that's not
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to say that you can't say something at some point but you probably shouldn't for a while you need to ruminate on it
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you need to think on it you need to if you're thinking about what you're going to say next you're missing what is being
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said to you in that moment and your explanations your excuses your defense
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defense is not helpful in that moment it's not helping you at all but it's
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certainly not helping the person that's giving you that feedback so so in defense of the defensive person because
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I think I've come a long way with that um I think it is where I'm going no no no I'm being misunderstood you you're
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not understanding why I did this or what and I think what I was lost for me for a
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long time was but they are they do and there's thing beyond that and I'm still
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caught up in this level and they've elevated past that level um and so I
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think that you know has been something that over time because I do I'm like no no no I I I I a reason for this and
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listen to Why and um kind of like with my dad where it was me going well this is why you know I said this and and you
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could just see all over his face the aha moment that I was anticipating never came and isn't going to come and so for
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me it's like okay then I need to think beyond that like what's the next level beyond that because he's not on the same
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page as me does not want to be on the same page as as me and won't be yeah and so could I should I have saved my breath
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and prevented leaving from that stinky fart in the room feeling you know you're
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just like why why did I bother yeah it's not there's times when it's not it's
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just not worth it which sounds I with all the episodes that we've done I think
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you're exactly right we've we've really not talked about this because we're always oh but communicate this way or
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say this or or approach it from this standpoint and there is a value to from
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time to time just quit talking just listen or
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recognize we're not going to come to an agreement on this I can't tell you how many times I do this in even in my
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marriage I've learned over the years you know early on in marriage I'm like but he must he's got to understand this he's
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got to know that this is why I'm upset so that going forward this won't
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continue to happen and now you know 22 years into marriage I'm like I ain't
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never going to understand and so I can waste all this breath and energy trying
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to explain why it bothered me but if I know he's never going to get it then what's the point like why sit here and
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try to explain it again just come to terms with the fact he will never get it
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think outside the box CU if this is going to upset you every time fix yourself at some point and so it's like
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okay we're done talking about this and so I'll catch myself from time to time when I can feel myself getting
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frustrated explaining something I'm like never mind sorry never mind he's like well no you can continue I'm like nope
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no NOP NOP cuz if I continue I'm going to get upset you're going to be like I still don't understand let's stop myself
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before we even get to that point so there's value in being quiet yes for sure so what happened with this one then
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that was getting the feedback that she didn't want or she kept so at one point because again this was multiple
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conversations in and at one of the points when she was
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responding I just said hey this really isn't a conversation I'm sharing this
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information with you I'm letting you know that we are already looking for
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other options to potentially replace you if you have any kind of shot at
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keeping your job it needs to be a miraculous turnaround so I don't need to hear what you have to say
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this is for you to receive the information and how did that end like did she receive it or did she leave or
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did she she she she did recently get let go
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um so all that to say again I don't think that was necessarily because she didn't
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well I mean I she didn't listen I I made it overtly clear like I'm giving you
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like basically two weeks to to show a miraculous turnaround and if that doesn't happen happen you will be fired
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and so she didn't maybe she didn't listen maybe she just was like Oh no I got to
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start looking elsewhere for another job and didn't focus on what she could have done to preserve her her position but
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ultimately I don't think she listened um so I think that's when it gets us in
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trouble like when somebody's coming at us with information our natural response
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is to be defensive or to explain or to justify and sometimes we just need to
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shut our mouth and absorb what we're hearing chew on it for a little bit
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before responding yucky that that whole thought
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of how how that conversation would have gone down for you to have to say to somebody hey I need you to listen like
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to get you to that point Bo yucky um okay so you said you had two examples so that was one so the other example was
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actually patient interaction that I was able witness in an office and again I
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give big kudos to the team member that I work with business team member that I do
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believe did her darnest to try to get this very escalated
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patient deescalate she and thankfully again
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kudos to her after the interaction went very south it did not go well she came
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back immediately and said all right tell me what did I what could I have done differently and just like we're talking
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about with this other employee she listened like she didn't justify she didn't explain she she absorbed every
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amount of feedback that I gave her and that's exceedingly valuable for somebody to to open themselves up to feedback
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like that so I'm I'm going to use that as an example in when to be quiet or
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when to not say something but I have to preface that she did a lot of things well in this
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conversation it was a very tough situation so the gentleman came in exceedingly upset about what are they
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always upset about money it's 95% of the time it's about money 99.5% of the time
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I know so he was upset because he thought this procedure was you know
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$1,200 and it was actually $1,400 and um so he was making a lot of he payment
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hot so he was saying things like y'all are unethical you're I can't believe you know a law a lawyer would eat you up
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with this you know just saying a lot of very inflammatory things it is very difficult to stay calm when somebody is
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coming at you like that and so this lady stayed extremely calm but what she did
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wrong and I told her this is she spoke
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too quickly too soon too much what do you mean this this would have
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been a great opportunity to when to shut up because he came in and was firing out
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all these things well what we try to do in that scenario is oh my gosh there's
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so many fallacies that he's said here let me help correct him you know with
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the facts he's not talking facts he's talking just I don't know what he's talking about so let me set him straight
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he's got the wrong fact let me outline and once he sees that this is the factual outline he'll be fine yeah then
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he'll be like oh my gosh I totally see it now look it's right there in writing on the treatment plan that I
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signed so it's like we know we've got the trump card we literally can win this
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conversation because the treatment CL plan clearly says this and oh by the way look at that little signature there like
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that's your signature and so but then that is not the way she presented it by the way I'm
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saying that that's not how it was presented but I think she was like oh I can fix this by explaining this
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situation but he was not in the place to listen not yet and so what she should
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have done is let me keep my mouth shut let me listen listen listen let me ask
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followup questions to make sure I understand what he's saying let me make him feel fully heard before I open my
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mouth at all it with a explanation and I do believe and there's
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no way of knowing but I do believe in this conversation if that would have happened if she would have not said
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anything waited for him to deflate to get all of his nasty comments out ask
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some clarifying questions so what I'm hearing you say is this am I correct in assuming this blah blah
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blah and then ask permission to say hey
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would it be possible for me to explain this document that I have that goes over
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the treatment plan could I could I share that with you and then lead into speaking I think it would have been a
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very different conversation I really do believe the one mistake she made was not staying quiet long enough in that
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conversation B so how did it end then but not well not well at all he he left
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angry she was not able to deescalate he left making all kinds of threats um to
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the practice and so unfortunately she couldn't deescalate and I think really
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her best ability was her best effort was put forward and it just couldn't
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deescalate but I think it's a clear example of man sometimes just keeping our mouth shut so any tips on kind of
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knowing when we should do that I guess in this case it's like somebody that's clearly um on an emotional train versus
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a logical train and I know like for me outside of the practice with personal
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relationships there are friends and family members and things like that where it's just like okay there are
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moments where I'm not dealing with a um logical person right now and um you know
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like my family for example we're a very emotionally driven family and my husband's family is very neutral so I've
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learned a lot from him where the downside can be you're so neutral that it's like are you
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alive do you care you know like that that's I guess that's what I'm kind of asking is like are there moments where
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if I'm if I shut up too much is it like I'm going to come across as I don't care or that I'm not listening um so are
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there are there times that that you would know that shutting up is what we
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should be doing so I'm going to give you a counter example here in just a second
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um from a team meeting that I had today um so anytime we're dealing with an emotionally charged person the default
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mode should be quiet for the most part I mean there will come a point in time when you feel
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that person settling down that you can then engage with them but when you're
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dealing with an emotionally charged person honestly your words aren't going to be very helpful at
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all other than clarifying questions or paraphrasing you know so I think the I
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use the term like the teenager principal a lot to describe these
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situations cuz it's like we've got 13-year-old daughters now and um there's
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moments and times where my kid is a level had a just great kid but there are
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times where I'm like oh my gosh she is like highly emotional so you think of
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like a what we imagine in our head as like a typical teenager just off the rail emotion and crying and blah blah
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blah and you're like would we come to them in that moment to a you know
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zit-faced 13-year-old you know emotional teenager and be like honey the logic of
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the situation is you don't need that boy that boy just shouldn't you know you
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shouldn't be this upset about a boy right you're like is that going to help that person no that would not help a
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highly emotional person in that moment what do you do you go tell me more talk
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to me about got it fill me in and you're listening so when we think about that and we kind of apply it in an adult
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setting it makes a lot of sense like if you've got a a 70-year old man that's throwing a temper tantrum that's not the
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time that we come in with logic it's not going to work just like it wouldn't work for the 13-year-old it's not going to
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work for this 70-year-old teenager that's throwing a fit right now so I think that's the stumping part because
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we have so many 40y old 70y old 35y old
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55y olds that we don't typically expect to be a 13-year-old meltdown moment
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right now and we're seeing that all the time and I think social media is the the
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kind of the Crux of because people are allowed to do that online and then they carry it out into the real world and um
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anyway I think that that's part of why I think some of this kind of uh you know
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ends up slapping me in the face cuz I wasn't expecting it which I should be expecting it but to me I'm like wait for
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real this like 60-year-old is going off the rail about 200 bucks like in your example or um you know my dad who's
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typically a very calm understanding uhhuh uh-huh he's the ultimate people pleaser um and so me thinking like a
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fool today that I he was going to see my side and no he reverted back to teenager
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mode yes um or was I the teenager trying to press my opinion on him so I don't
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know I don't know anyway back to your so teenager yeah imagine teenager so we we
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attribute too much logic to adults like oh they're an adult they should be able to logically navigate this
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conversation but when you sense an emotionally charged person you need to think oh the teenager rule keep your
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mouth shut just shut up and listen and so I think that's one example now to
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your question though a counter example like if you're ever too silent does it
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show apathy or or too much neutrality so I was at a team meeting today with just
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a precious doc of mine I just love working with him and his team was giving
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them a hard time during team meeting because they said we were
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talking about communication you know lots of communication tips that we were talking about today and he was talking
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about how he really struggles with communication you know he's a male he's got you know a wife and daughters and he
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said this is just something I'm always having to work at I'm not good at it I tend to like want to shy away from real
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intentional deep conversation it makes me uncomfortable and so his team was all like no really really is that true and
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they I mean obviously they're like it's very true and so um his one of his team
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members was like Hey you know I'll say doctor Jones you know oh hey Dr Jones um by the
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way I tore a tendon in my ankle and I might have to have surgery
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H and she was like H what kind of responses H or hey um Dr Jones my
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father-in-law is dying I might have to be out next week H so she was giving him a hard time
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saying no matter what information is shared with you it's h so there could
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come a point where keeping your mouth shut can be seen as apathy or and the
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point she was trying to make is no matter how dramatic it is it's the same response and he he shared and he was
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like I just don't know what to say like what do you say to that piece of information and so he's like I don't
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want to say anything but I don't want to say the wrong thing and so H is just it
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fits and she was like but it doesn't it's not an appropriate response so to
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your point I think there's times where we can't stay silent or our silence
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could be seen as apathy or not caring I I think I uh I've always been because I
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come from this super emotional family that I've always thought of that as uncaring yeah and getting offended by it
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and going okay I just told you I I I think of I may have mentioned this on a different episode a different podcast
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episode but like I go back to Seinfeld and there's an episode where the boyfriend doesn't put an exclamation
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point after the news that Elaine's friend was having a baby and they break up because she's like well you didn't
24:43
show enough enthusiasm about this and I'm just like yeah I see that you like I totally see
24:49
that you don't care that I tore my achilles like what kind of human are you right like give you my blood and soul
24:56
but you probably expect me to hobble in on work anyway you don't even care about my ankle right so I think there is
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something to be said for you know um expressions and emotions and meeting
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people where they need to be met um so yes that is absolutely the perfect example of like no we need you to say
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something something something some reaction which to me is like when to shut up so if you're if you're a natural
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shut up person like if you just naturally avoid communication your default mode is actually don't say
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anything then you may actually have to be challenging yourself how can I say something because you're going to be
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this podcast is not for you yeah we should have said that at the beginning turn this off don't listen anymore go
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listen to the 200 other episodes we have on communication if you are a robot turn this
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off so my husband I'm like are you hello hello do you have feelings what is going
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on here yeah he can listen to all the other every other episode that we've had is
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communication if you're like no I I've got this I can explain why and you will come over to my side this podcast is for
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you yeah listen closely well I think it's interesting because you may not realize it but I think you have an
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example on this you mentioned that at the beginning of this episode that you
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were trying to explain and trying to win your dad over to understand your
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viewpoint but I think you also have had a lot of growth in the area of when to
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stop coaching or trying to teach somebody so why don't you show your
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example on this um yeah I I is it what I'm so like just
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teaching yes when you feel like like think about the situations you've been in not only at dental school that
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obviously you support with the dental school you you do a ton of just coaching
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individuals G giving free advice free support and then there's times when
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you're like okay I've said all that I can say I need to probably I think yeah
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and I've grown a lot in that because I think it used to like hurt my feelings when I'm like okay hey I've just
27:18
imparted this on you and you're like uh-huh and then you just move on and I'm like did you hear a word I just said or
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do you understand maybe you know what it was me I didn't explain
27:29
properly that I maybe either talked too much about this or I didn't give enough information about that or maybe I gave
27:34
you a wrong example like okay clearly I didn't make it connect the right way let me try again and you know just getting
27:43
frustrated and I I've learned over the years to go to really read my audience better I guess is where I would go with
27:49
that and kind of go okay if this is the reaction I got or the comment I got my
27:56
go-to was always like no no no no no hold on hold on let me let me explain it again or let me tell you again and now
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it's just like okay well I gave you that information you chose not to take it um
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do with it what you want do with it what you want and then you will figure out your own path and I think sometimes
28:12
that's hard for me to watch because I'm like I didn't just make this up I I'm telling you this out of years of
28:18
experience or whatever it may be and you don't see it yet but you will and then
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I'm like but that's not for me to that's not for me to um that doesn't
28:31
need to become my burden and my cross and my hill and my whatever like exactly I want everybody to succeed around me
28:39
and um even though I know this is something like sometimes I could be wrong with that more often than not no
28:48
this is not just unique to me I have seen it over and over and over again and
28:53
if you choose not to um take the historical advice could you be the
29:00
Unicorn that is not touched by this I guess but I think you're gonna be
29:06
touched by this but I think just your personality and your perception is so
29:12
different it may not impact you the same way that it has impacted me or somebody else and so I've got to give you room to
29:21
be you and to either learn from your own mistakes or to miss out on what I didn't
29:26
want you to miss out on but maybe it wasn't important to you like it was to me so I just think yeah I've I've come a
29:33
long way with just kind of going okay I'm this is what I'm going to say for now and do with that information what
29:39
you will or or sometimes I'm just like why you know if it was something like oh go go sign up for this course or go you
29:47
know you need to sign up for the subscription like Bethany's got this unbelievable digest chalk full of
29:52
information I'm a client I podcast with her and I learn something out of every Digest test go sign up what do you mean
30:00
you didn't sign up okay did I tell you how good this is like did I tell you like if you go and try to get this
30:07
information elsewh you going to pay thousands and like you have no idea and then I'm just like why am I pushing this
30:13
on you like you know what all I can do is tell you that it's there yeah um
30:18
whatever it is that I'm talking about and then if you choose not to go forth that's your journey yeah well and I
30:26
think like you said reading the room realizing the audience that you have do they want this information doesn't mean
30:33
that you withhold everything but you might say at once and you realize that
30:38
maybe the reception isn't there or there's disagreement or they see it completely different and that's one of
30:45
those moments where it's like save yourself when to shut up now now because
30:50
there's not a reception there or there's not an eagerness for that information and that's okay we can move on from that
30:56
and that's not your burden to bear that's their burden to bear if then something happens because they didn't
31:03
take that advice and I think that's a very valuable takeaway sometimes it's like we can't let that go because we
31:10
know that's going to cause pain or that's going to cause heartache or they really need to understand this but at
31:15
the end of the day there's only so far you can go with somebody who's not wanting that information and I think
31:21
that's that applies to team members um you know there there's a lot like where
31:26
we want a lot for our team members and we're like What even sometimes even down to like team members and their finances
31:32
yeah and you're like wait a minute you're spending what on What but then you don't have like that that's not a
31:37
smart life choice and you know kind of like our kids I guess you're going to have to let them make mistakes and kind
31:43
of fall where they do um but yeah just sometimes or even with our patients
31:49
and you're like what are you not getting about this let me explain the stainless steel Crown again it's like leave them
31:55
alone at some point shut up they've got to decide on their own because no sooner do I keep going that now I'm going I get
32:01
the review saying well she was shoving her crown down my throat and um that it
32:07
backfire on me like read the room see if they are you know if the patient is open to really wanting to learn and prevent
32:14
and you know improve their health and sometimes they are not on the same page
32:21
and I cannot take that personally every time like exactly I can want the best
32:26
for you but you ultimately have to decide what you want for you yes yes and
32:33
I think you're right that's applicable to team members that's definitely applicable to patients when it It
32:39
ultimately is not we can't make the decision for them to do XYZ treatment we can't we can educate to the best of our
32:45
ability but then at the same time there's a certain point where we have to cut it off well I would imagine just for
32:51
you with your clients too yeah like for you imparting advice to us and like if
32:57
I'm like thanks Bethany I'm not going to heed this piece of advice I think
33:02
watching you kind of go okay well there's only so much I can do here yeah so I think
33:10
that's another key Takeaway on when to shut up it's read your audience and is
33:15
there a reception there is there an eagerness for the information that you're sharing and if not move on don't don't
33:24
keep beating a dead horse shut up move on I use the phrase querer ra what will be
33:31
will be out of that exchange so just let it go and and move on from that and I
33:37
think that's an important Takeaway on this one other quick example that I'll add in on when to shut
33:43
up is completely kind of disconnected to all that we've talked about but I can't tell you how many times I'm in in an
33:50
office listening to team members talk in the hallway or talk to one another and
33:59
it is I wish I could say this like hey now's a good time to shut up because
34:06
there are certain times that that chatter is just not either it's not
34:11
appropriate there's subject matters being shared that could make somebody else
34:16
uncomfortable um it's just we've got tense situations happening in
34:23
rooms and that patient's feeling anxious or whatever and the room and now we're
34:28
out here chatting and laughing and I had a client a meeting that I was in earlier
34:34
this week where one of the patients in the chair was a highly anxious irritable
34:41
patient and one of the uh team members popped in to ask the doctor a quick
34:46
question there had been a lot of chatter out in the hallway it was just kind of a loud moment in the office and the
34:52
patient got very upset and basically said get out to the team member
34:58
and again you think what a crappy patient yeah but also there's a time and
35:04
a place to be chatty and fun and and then there's a time and a place to shut up and most of the time Dearing patient
35:11
care is a time to shut up and so I think that's just another key reminder set set the environment appropriately while we
35:18
while Dentistry is everyday life for us it's not everyday life for the patients in our chair and so we need to have a
35:24
real focus on patient care and doesn't mean we can't chat it just
35:30
means there's a time and a place to be quiet so that would be another example all right well I think it's time
35:36
for us now to zip shut up yes should we have a moment of pause here just so
35:41
people know we're in silence we're done we're done thanks for joining the
35:47
conversation today we hope that you are comforted in knowing that you are not alone but we also hope that you're
35:53
walking away with some really great tips and tricks to try in your practice practice we value your feedback so
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